If being happy is to be happy to the sound of music, or watching the sunset in the desert sky. It does for me at times of solitude, being down or feeling alone. Here I am listening to, Moonlight Serenade by Glenn Miller. It does bring a tear to my eye, but it reminds me of the love my grandparents had for each other, even though it was not a picture perfect marriage. Being happy is just a temporary emotion for some and I can say for myself. My happiness has it's highs and lows. Finding your happiness is finding it in yourself, not being forced to be happy. I think often I am at my own fault of trying so damn hard to please others all the time, going out of my way to make others happy. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with helping others, but I feel I'm like an obedient Border Collie. I do have a Border Collie and she is always wanting to make me happy, those big brown eyes, her tender smiles the way her head sets to the side and her tail waging in circles, she never leaves my side; she is the little mommy of the house; always looking to please others as I do. Hmm funny to think it that way, but it is true.
The search for my happiness is to feel that I am proud, not ashamed of "me"; who I am, my achievements. To stop trying to be something that I am not to please others because of their off the wall fantasies or desires. My accomplishments may not be great, but they are mine alone with a little help of encouragement from others who believed in me.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Office Junkies and Dreamers: I have not written in such a while had a slight se...
Office Junkies and Dreamers: I have not written in such a while had a slight se...: I have not written in such a while had a slight set back with life in general. Lost job, new job, kids, spouse career changes revaluation of...
I have not written in such a while had a slight set back with life in general. Lost job, new job, kids, spouse career changes revaluation of my life. Yesterday I took a good look at myself in the mirror and came to find my immortality staring right at me, it was just me. My own image aged, grey haired, wrinkles tattered and frayed around the edges. A lasting image of my perception of who I am deep inside. I realized that my mortal clock is ticking and feels heavy, a giant pendulum back and forth in one same motion. I feel as it is stuck in one swiping motion, but really it has not; it's that my life is routine. My kids are growing up matured and set for their future planes. the mortal clock is slowing down and feels it needs to be regenerated some how. I guess I am one of those early fifty something and contemplating a mid-life crises. It's not like I am going to go take up sky diving or pudgy jumping off a bridge; I am not that crazy I have my limits.
I guess I should count my blessings that my kids are really good kids, my parents are both alive and well active as hell riding around on their motorcycle. My marriage of twenty years is still a racing heart pounding love every time I see him; like the first time we met. What I am saying is what do I want for myself after taking care of everyone else's needs damn it my turn. A couple of options are to dedicate my spare time to writing taking all my short stories and poems and publish them, or go back to school and work on a PhD in educational philosophy an educational marriage of up to six years of Post Doc work. More to think about for the long run. I was asked by my husband Michael where do you see yourself in five to ten years. My response I have no idea, I hate questions like that, can't I take it one day at a time and live in the moment please!
More to think about.
I guess I should count my blessings that my kids are really good kids, my parents are both alive and well active as hell riding around on their motorcycle. My marriage of twenty years is still a racing heart pounding love every time I see him; like the first time we met. What I am saying is what do I want for myself after taking care of everyone else's needs damn it my turn. A couple of options are to dedicate my spare time to writing taking all my short stories and poems and publish them, or go back to school and work on a PhD in educational philosophy an educational marriage of up to six years of Post Doc work. More to think about for the long run. I was asked by my husband Michael where do you see yourself in five to ten years. My response I have no idea, I hate questions like that, can't I take it one day at a time and live in the moment please!
More to think about.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
What day could this be with sorrow and bit of chile of cruelty in the air. With no soul to speak and say a word. Not one syllable, gasp of air to let a sound out. A sorrow of pain as stabbed in public lying helpless to the side as bystanders walk blinded by. What day could be joy, love happiness a thank you, a seamless sense of pleasure of gratifying joy. Just a slight release of breath of laughter. No the sun will never rise on my horizon its glory of will never shine. So I have forgotten what the joy the pleasure of happiness has felt the kindness that others has long been gone. In a hostile world my horizon lays upon, a prison of the mind and the heart as been tormented and beaten. The never ending blows to the self esteem. I have had enough of the humiliating words, the pushing down, holding back refraining who I am. Enough I sad I will stand and fight for freedom, to be myself to follow what I believe live my dreams and follow my goals all for the greater good.
-unfinished by Charlotte
-unfinished by Charlotte
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Like the song says You gotta be Cruel to be Kind, by Nick Lowe.
Good catchy tone, but it is mean.
No it is mean, I am not a wimp but enough with the cruelty the digging the knife in a little farther in.
If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. If you have a cruel addiction then you know what, stay the hell away from me. I have had it with people, this shit has got to stop. I am tired of taking the shit and being screwed upside down and backwards. I have been walked over as I am a door mat, and treated as if I am a complete uneducated idiot. No offense to uneducated people, but you know what I mean.
Good catchy tone, but it is mean.
No it is mean, I am not a wimp but enough with the cruelty the digging the knife in a little farther in.
If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. If you have a cruel addiction then you know what, stay the hell away from me. I have had it with people, this shit has got to stop. I am tired of taking the shit and being screwed upside down and backwards. I have been walked over as I am a door mat, and treated as if I am a complete uneducated idiot. No offense to uneducated people, but you know what I mean.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Mortality
Questioning and testing our Mortality is a bit like Russian roulette, how far can we go, what are the limits.
Most walk through life without worry others are pushing it taking risk that not may only affect themselves, but the ripple effect it creates that hit the shores where others wait. With a passing of a beloved actor/comedian of Robin Williams, they question, why did he take is own life. It is a difficult question to answer and no one will ever know what was going on in his mind. It is his to hold, it was his choice, he was tiered of the fight.
We all have demons inside us and some more than others. Our demons can be our past we refuse to let go of, and at times it could be a past to relive again over and over.
These demons can be what keeps us alive the pain that is felt a pain of pleasure, it may keep you warm, but as this flame burns so strong. It can also be suffocating the life out of you, the smoke so thick it blinds the light out, forever to have any hope left in climbing right back out of the pit of purgatory The chains become heavy with burden, guilt, and punishment. This self inflicting torturer we put ourselves through, and never ending hope of any escape to light.
Break these chains I say, before it is to late, release these demons that are ripping you from the inside out. Claim your soul back, take a stand and fight with the light of glory ever so bright, with the stars and heavens above to give you strength.
I claimed my soul. What about yours?
Most walk through life without worry others are pushing it taking risk that not may only affect themselves, but the ripple effect it creates that hit the shores where others wait. With a passing of a beloved actor/comedian of Robin Williams, they question, why did he take is own life. It is a difficult question to answer and no one will ever know what was going on in his mind. It is his to hold, it was his choice, he was tiered of the fight.
We all have demons inside us and some more than others. Our demons can be our past we refuse to let go of, and at times it could be a past to relive again over and over.
These demons can be what keeps us alive the pain that is felt a pain of pleasure, it may keep you warm, but as this flame burns so strong. It can also be suffocating the life out of you, the smoke so thick it blinds the light out, forever to have any hope left in climbing right back out of the pit of purgatory The chains become heavy with burden, guilt, and punishment. This self inflicting torturer we put ourselves through, and never ending hope of any escape to light.
Break these chains I say, before it is to late, release these demons that are ripping you from the inside out. Claim your soul back, take a stand and fight with the light of glory ever so bright, with the stars and heavens above to give you strength.
I claimed my soul. What about yours?
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